KCRF 2007: First Wee— Oh, Wait. I’m Not Performing.

I had decided that the combination of a Doctor’s no-no and an Entertainment Director’s theft of an act would preclude me from attending KCRF at all this year. I felt no need to immerse myself in depression and anger. Then we got the Wedding Invitation.

So, Sunday, I went, for the latter part of the day, leading up to Susi and Bruce’s wedding. The wedding was lovely, and I was honored to be present.

Wish I could say the same about the rest of the day.

It was hard. It really was.

I thought that I had left it behind me with some relative degree of resignation, but no — it hit me far harder than I wanted it to. The constant reminder that I’m not there, performing, revelling in the surroundings.

There was a moment, after the weddng, when I was sitting on a bench at the site, and night had fallen. The air was cooling, and filled with the sound of crickets. It was after closing cannon, and the site was filled with the sound of performers, tired but filled with joy. I was struck by how many times I had done this very thing, sitting after close, surrounded by the “feel” of the place in an almost meditative state, since I started there in the mid-80s.

Even worse was seeing people I knew, only to be met with “patron glaze” — where they’d see only some guy in street clothes. Sometimes, I waved until they realized that it was me. Most times, I simply let them pass. Awful experience.

Let me explain — as I’ve already said to some of you, after getting the initial diagnosis in January, I’ve felt vaguely detached ever since. This year has had the disconcerting feeling of being somehow unreal, almost dreamlike. Time passes in varying speeds, and I feel separate from everything. I don’t know why, but I wish it would stop.

Being in a massive crowd of people, and being looked over as if I’m not even there by people I know well…..well, that just hit all of the “separate and detached” buttons. It was like a little nightmare, every time. The entire day, I was in a place that had felt like Home to me for years, but I felt removed from it. Separate.

I won’t be coming out again. I can’t.

6 Replies to “KCRF 2007: First Wee— Oh, Wait. I’m Not Performing.”

  1. >>I don’t know why

    I know exactly what it was. The Gareth we’re all used to out at Faire has an energy that covers about a ten foot diameter. On Sunday, you were pulled tight to yourself. Instead of knowing you were were before turning a corner, I had to see your face to recognize you. Plus, the hat – while attractive – only served to further the look of incognito, as did the colorless shirt.

    Plus, I heard from two distinct people that they saw you walking past, but you didn’t stop to say hi to them or notice them, either, for whatever reason.

    I understand it was tough, but you didn’t give anyone out there the signals to look for – meaning, energy, costume, colors. It looked for all the world like you didn’t *want* to be seen.

    And you’ll probably be glad to know that while the Sins seem on paper to be stealing your act, in reality, I doubt anyone would ever think to compare them to the three of you – EVER.

  2. Hey!
    I got to see Laura and never did spot you :( Although I was in some form of officiating mode and didn’t greet a lot of people apparently…such is the nature of being focused I guess *shrugs*

    S~

  3. Hugs

    I know a bit of what that feels like as I gave up the fair when I left Tx and going home wile fun always makes me miss it, it feels like I am haunting the place.

    If I knew how to make it better, I most surely would.

    Big hugs.

  4. I have a feeling I may have been one of those people that “saw” you but didn’t see you…I was dealing off and on with my back spazzing out on me, stomach issues, and ridiculously rude patrons…that being said, it was the state of my union but I wouldn’t want to use it as an excuse for not saying hello to you. I wish I would’ve seen you…did I see you? I feel like an ass even asking that question…if I was one of those people, please know that it was NOT in any way intentional. I miss your energy out there, too…and Laura’s.

    R.

  5. I also saw you and Laura; I hate to say it, but I have to agree with . I actually very much wanted to say hello and reintroduce , but felt a very awkward vibe and, my character notwithstanding, didn’t want to do anything intrusive.

    I understand that to try to visit Faire while trying to respect the doc’s orders is anything but easy, but, amigo, you know that if you say something to me I’ll interact.

    The Sins are lovely but do not share your brio; nobody is going to mistake their act for yours, or vice (forgive the pun) versa. To be honest, I know who two of the sins are, and that is because i have interacted with them; I have to wonder what the patrons make of them. (Though, to be fair, the same could easily be said about Romeo and Juliet year after year.)

    I hope you change your mind and try again. Say Hi. You’d be surprised.

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