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10 things I love that begin with the letter “C” – gave me my letter.

1. China: Whether it’s the cinema of Hong Kong, the novels of Jin Yong, the legends, the history or the language, I’m a nut for the cultures of the Middle Kingdom.

2. Call of Cthulhu: This RPG, based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft, was a constant companion through high school and into college, and remains the only horror game that has successfully given me the heebie-jeebies during play. I haven’t played it in far, far too long.

3. Cyberpunk: I used to be a huge fan of this subgenre of SF — a very 1980s look forward into the 21st century. “High tech and low life,” as the buzzwords surrounding it used to say. It still interests me, although far less than it used to (mostly because we are now living in the world it described, in many ways). It also was used as the title of a pretty damned nifty RPG set within the genre.

4. Cornwell, Bernard: My favorite author of historical action novels. His 20-book (and growing) series devoted to the adventures of Rifleman Richard Sharpe during the Napoleonic Wars is a particular joy of mine.

5. Comic Books: I surrounded myself from childhood on with superheroes, fantasy and sci-fi comics. I do so to a smaller extent now, but only because they’ve gotten so goddamned expensive.

6. Cities: I’m a city boy at heart. Every city lives and breathes, possessed of its own unique feel and personality. I feel more at home in the rush and the press of a large city than perhaps anywhere else.

7. Creative Expression: I’m driven. No matter what the form — writing, musical composition, drawing — I’m constantly doing something….and I’m constantly learning new forms to explore. (Currently dabbling in animation)

8. Conan: Not “Ahnold” or the popular image of the brain-dead beefcake sword-swinger, but the Conan of Robert E. Howard’s stories — clever, agile, complex. If you only know the movies, check out some of the stories (the real ones, not the pastiche novels). You’ll be surprised.

9. Cult Television: It’s inevitable. If it’s an intelligently-written genre show that’s destined for cancellation, I’m a sucker for it. If it’s a UK series that nobody here has ever heard of, I’ve got it on DVD. Sure, a few of them end up catching fire and lasting for a few years, but most of my favorites are solidly in the ‘here today, gone tomorrow’ camp.

10. Captain Blood: In my opinion, this is the best pirate movie ever made. Errol Flynn’s big break (and his best film, in my opinion, even surpassing Robin Hood) and the gorgeous Olivia de Havilland. Big-ass pirate-y story with all the genre tropes. The POTC movies had huge budgets, supernatural elements and Johnny Depp…and that’s cool as hell….but Captain Blood is better.

If you’d like to participate, and need a letter, leave a comment.

WOMAN!!! WOMAN!!! BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

I had decided that the combination of a Doctor’s no-no and an Entertainment Director’s theft of an act would preclude me from attending KCRF at all this year. I felt no need to immerse myself in depression and anger. Then we got the Wedding Invitation.

So, Sunday, I went, for the latter part of the day, leading up to Susi and Bruce’s wedding. The wedding was lovely, and I was honored to be present.

Wish I could say the same about the rest of the day.

It was hard. It really was.

I thought that I had left it behind me with some relative degree of resignation, but no — it hit me far harder than I wanted it to. The constant reminder that I’m not there, performing, revelling in the surroundings.

There was a moment, after the weddng, when I was sitting on a bench at the site, and night had fallen. The air was cooling, and filled with the sound of crickets. It was after closing cannon, and the site was filled with the sound of performers, tired but filled with joy. I was struck by how many times I had done this very thing, sitting after close, surrounded by the “feel” of the place in an almost meditative state, since I started there in the mid-80s.

Even worse was seeing people I knew, only to be met with “patron glaze” — where they’d see only some guy in street clothes. Sometimes, I waved until they realized that it was me. Most times, I simply let them pass. Awful experience.

Let me explain — as I’ve already said to some of you, after getting the initial diagnosis in January, I’ve felt vaguely detached ever since. This year has had the disconcerting feeling of being somehow unreal, almost dreamlike. Time passes in varying speeds, and I feel separate from everything. I don’t know why, but I wish it would stop.

Being in a massive crowd of people, and being looked over as if I’m not even there by people I know well…..well, that just hit all of the “separate and detached” buttons. It was like a little nightmare, every time. The entire day, I was in a place that had felt like Home to me for years, but I felt removed from it. Separate.

I won’t be coming out again. I can’t.