Last year, I stood in a circle with friends and celebrated the turning of the year, ritually looking to the future and divesting myself of those things that I’d prefer to leave behind.
Funny how things turn out.
The things I wished to leave behind are still here. I made no progress at all towards finishing a novel or getting it sold. (Of course, the period from my diagnosis in January until my all-clear in July did have something to do with why the year was pretty much a wash in that regard. My mind was elsewhere.)
Instead, I was divested of friends. Some in the big, dramatic fashion — where lines are crossed and never mended. Others, perhaps even more depressingly, just never bother to make the effort. If we see them, we’re the ones who have to make the plans, or we’re the ones who have to travel, or we’re the ones who have to think of calling. At what point do you just give up, and say “these aren’t friends, these are acquaintences of convenience?”
The past year, frankly, has sucked ass. I’m tired.
I’m not planning on any ritual tonight. The last one didn’t work out so well.
9 Replies to “Samhain Thoughts”
Sorry to hear it, bud.
And I know entirely what you mean about being the one to make the effort. But the thing I discovered, years ago, was that my friends weren’t thinking “oh, he called, I guess we’ll hang out”–they were thinking “he likes to call and make plans and that’s cool ’cause we’ve got no problem going along with whatever entertainment he’s decided upon.” Not true in every case, of course, but sometimes people take something you do frequently as something you WANT to do, never realizing that maybe you do it out of habit or because no one else steps up first.
Those friends are also the same ones who, when you pull back a little out of frustration (to see if they step up instead), think you’re pulling back because you want space and give it to you because they think that’s how they can help. It’s definitely weird, but I’ve learned that sometimes you really do need to pull out the Obvious Stick and say “no, I just want someone else to make the plans once in a while.”
I suppose this post is my Obvious Stick. :)
I feel your pain on all fronts. Here’s to a better one to come.
I think we would still love to come out and try that divine burger of which you spoke… Maybe next week sometime?
Oh how I know the feeling.
I am mad at Halloween. It was my favorite, my inspiration and at the moment it is not at all good.
The only positive thing I can find about it is the Samhain aspect. If there is a year to look into the future and leave pain behind it is this one. So there.
Always up for it.
Damn. Now I’m hungry.
Works for me. :)
I hope you know that we are ever your friends and hope to stay so. I’m watching Universal Monster movies tonight and giving out way to many calories to children who have no need to be so wound up, but hey, I don’t have to deal with any of them later. Let me know if and or when I can do anything.
“I’m not planning on any ritual tonight. The last one didn’t work out so well.”
To paraphrase and borrow and twist a bit, I would say this about that:
The Goddess always answers our prayers. Sometimes, the answer is “No.”
I was going to go all Four Bastards and tell you to put on your Man Pants and rub some dirt on it, but y’know what? Sometimes, the best you can do is mourn your losses and vow, “Never again.”
So, happy Samhain, my friend. There will be more years, hopefully better than the last.
I know it was a year of change in a lot of ways. The funny thing about ritual and talking to the universe is that what we ask for may not be what we need and there are no guarantees about what we ask for. Mostly these days, while I ask, I spend more trime trying to quiet my own voice and listen.
As for people calling and finding stuff to do, I have always found that I am as active with my friends as I am pro-active. I think we all feel that way on occassion about people not calling. From the time I broke my ankle I felt really disconnected up until well, pretty much the last few weeks, Im not sure why or where but somehow Ive been re-connecting.
You will find your way.