Much-Needed Venting

I can understand that people want to wish him well on his choice (even though it’s really interesting to note that most of the support is coming from an anonymous poster, and folks who are casual acquaintances….).

But I’ve gotta tell you — if I see one more person who doesn’t know a thing about the facts at hand going out of their way to editorialize and take the rest of us to task for being hurt, I’m going to lose my shit, even more than I already have.

14 Replies to “Much-Needed Venting”

  1. And I think Emily and I will be right there with you. I appreciate your response to that last editorializer. It’s exactly what I would have liked to write.

    I don’t want to give them more drama, more fuel, more what the fuck ever. My first reactions have been exactly like yours and Emily’s. It was only the calming voices of Natalie and Carlye standing behind me reminding me that these people aren’t worth my ferocity, aren’t worth my stress and seething that helped me restrain myself to what I did write.

    I have almost written a post JUST like this one twice today. I am so there. But but but. The people I care about and who I know care about me aren’t the ones being condescending and obnoxious. It’s these holier-than-thou, don’t know what the fuck Mike’s done fuckheads who really we shouldn’t let get under our skin, Gareth. GodDAMNit that they do.

    Doesn’t it just make you want to post a list, hammer it up there like Martin fucking Luther with the long, long, itemized list of the reasons they should shut the fuck up because if they knew what we were feeling they wouldn’t be so annoying?

    You know what else pisses me off about this whole thing? That you were excited about and churning out a really entertaining new novel, and because of this BULLshit, your creative energies have been sucked out of you. It makes me MAAAAAAAAD.

    *heave* *growl* *fucking tearing the living shit out of this scrap paper so I don’t throw my tea across the fucking office*

  2. My heart breaks for all of you. I know well the anger, the frustration, the pain, and the futility that comes with having unwittingly tied your heart to one who does not traffic in truth and fair dealing.

    Even if all of you posted a list of grievances, making straight up clear what has done to warrant your upset, it would never clear the air. Those who have not been hurt in this way never believe the truth of it.

    At least not until they have been burned like someone in exactly this manner. Until that happens, people believe that “Jerry Springer” bullshit is something that only happens in other peoples lives and then only if they were paid to crow about it on TV.

    The sad truth of it is that Mike is going to go away to another place. Put on a different mask (or most probably just the same one again, as it’s familiar and comforting to him), and will continue the cycle of manipulating others for his own emotional comfort. Those he comes into contact with will only learn the same hard lessons (because they wouldn’t believe you if you told them the truth).

    The only way to disallow him what he feeds on is to cut the tie and never, even for a moment, look back. Only then will he not have the piece of your soul you are granting him.

    A piece of you he has proven he does not deserve.

    To all involved, I offer anything that is in my power to provide as you all pass through what you must to step past this experience.


  3. Thank you for saying it so clearly and precisely, as you are wont to do.

    I love you, and what you can do for me right now is just what you are: listening, guiding, supporing, kicking my ass, loving.

    And, you should know that this whole situation is going to be causing me some intensely difficult moments at Festival this year. I can’t even look at the wench photos (that cycle as our home screen saver) without getting a little bitchy, melancholy, morose, or furious, depending on my starting mood. I am certain they will be moments only, but it’s something I’ll have to work through. I connected with him for the first time through Azure, and I don’t know exactly how she feels about it, and probably won’t until the first time I put her on for Media Party or whatever.

    Love you.

  4. And Gareth, I imagine as much as this will suck for me at Festival, it will be that much worse for you. We’ll be there. Love you.

  5. One thing that you must trust about the Festival cycle (and this is just as true for Gareth), is that every year in that space is a wholly different experience. It was going to be a wholly different experience if things had worked out differently with Mike.

    For Azure, I give this thought, no matter how hardened the heart of a whore, there will always be those few certain men that will trigger the young creatures we once were. The creature who had hopes as to what could pass between a man and a woman. Those moments remind us, no matter how bittersweet the interaction may play (for is it even possible for a whore to be happy with any one man), that we are human, even still, within our painted citidels. As you stare down the path of the future, know that another man will come to your door, and another, and another. You may well guard that inner soul a mite more tightly in the future…but one day another may come to remind you who still lives inside you.

    Trust that when the pieces are laid again up on the board, you will be ready to play, as the players will all be another mix, another life, another moment in time to be embraced.


  6. I apologize if it seems I have highjacked your post Gareth, but my comments are directed as much to you as they were a response to Tess.

    It is my sincerest hope that you can find a way to sever his bond to you, so that you can move forward without this pulling at your mind, your heart and your soul.

    He deserves no more of you.


  7. No worries — I would never consider comments from you to be “hijacking.”

    As to finding ways to sever the bond — that is something that is foremost in my mind right now. I think that Heartland may end up serving a part in that, since I am already in a “spiritual renewal” frame of mind. I just have to figure out exactly how.

  8. My dear, that space may well afford you the possibility of doing a specific ritual severing. I know that I did something on the fly my first year out there for and it worked out quite successfully.

    What I did was listen to what my mind and heart told me to accomplish in that space and took the steps I was drawn to do, if that makes any sense. You will be surrounded by many likeminded people (meaning people of a spirtual mindset who might have wisdom to bring to that process, as well as several who are working to step beyond their experiences with Mike), that whatever you come to understand you should/must do, you will have resources to help you accomplish your goal.

    It would be my suggestion to you that you seek out Hearne’s Hollow (the space sanctified the God/Male diety) and listen to the breeze over the water. Reach into your heart, ask the universe for guidance and you will see your path before you. In the time you have before coming to that space, think about the specific manner in which the bond was made, for that is the key to its release.


  9. Ask Tess and Natalie and Emily just how much I understand what is going on. I lived with a very, very similar person. Believe me when I say, I hear you. To the depth of my being, Gareth, I hear you. I hear you all.

    My wishes for Mike are superficial because his heart is closed.

    My wishes for you and all involved come from the depth of my heart to your heart. I have ritualized this kind of situlation and I will support you in any way I am able, while you find a way to journey to your place of healing about this.

    And if I am afforded the opportunity on Saturday…I will share a hug with you.

  10. And if I am afforded the opportunity on Saturday…I will share a hug with you.

    The opportunity will be absolutely afforded…..and I will do my honest best to not bring any negative energy into your home.

  11. Bring whatever energy is in you. This is a place of healing. The most critical component of healing (in my world) is honesty and I would demand that your honest emotions be present.

    In fact, you being honest would be the best present ;-)

    {{hug}} – to tide us over until Saturday…

  12. You know what else pisses me off about this whole thing? That you were excited about and churning out a really entertaining new novel, and because of this BULLshit, your creative energies have been sucked out of you. It makes me MAAAAAAAAD.

    So very right there with you.

  13. My dear, if you know me at all you know that I refuse to take sides. I try to take my relationship with each person just as that, without any other coloring. Ask your sweetie on that one if you don’t know for yourself. I’m very sincerely sorry that you are all hurting and I never aim to belittle any of that; that is also not in my nature.

    I have been through some serious betrayals and pain myself, so while I don’t pretend to understand yours, I do have sympathy for it. I also have sympathy for Mike, little as you want to hear that.

    My goal was to be loving and not judgmental. I most certainly wish you luck in the healing and the seering of those ties. May you find the peace that you desire.

  14. Been there. Done that. Sorry to say I’m still dealing with the fallout, more than a year later.

    I hope you all heal soon. I really do understand where you’re coming from. I completely understand. Take comfort in the fact that you have a partner with whom you can seek solace and mutual support.

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