So I get an email last night from my younger daughter (Maggie, who is 12). She’s been pissed at me, and won’t tell me why — I’m chalking some of that up to the manipulative ex, and most of it to the final countdown to hormonal PMS hell (her sister had the same issues at the same age — that was fun….).
However, in the email (where she again tells me that she’s mad at me and doesn’t want me to contact her), she says “I heard about your lawyer threat.”
The ex apparently either talked to the kids about my threat to involve my lawyers, or at least talked about it where they could hear.
What the hell is wrong with this woman? Why the fuck would you do that to your own kids?
So now I’ve got the 12 year old even more pissed at me, and saying that she doesn’t want me to call, email or have any contact whatsoever, and my son is probably scared to death to say anything to me, for fear that I will up-end his life, returning it to the chaos and pain of the custody battle.
Barely slept at all last night. Not in a good headspace today, at all.
A world of empathy, man. I can’t imagine the frustration.
All the empathy in the world with regard to this upheaval in your world. I cannot come close to imagining the pain this is causing you.
I think the only thing you can possibly do with regards to the 12 year old is respond simply to her email with a calm statement that you respect her wishes and will not make further contact, but with a statement that you would be in a better position to understand why she has made the request if she would tell you what you had done to upset her. Finish by letting her know that you will always be there for her, even in those moments she believes she doesn’t want you to be a part of her life.
And then step away and do what you can to have hope. If this is the cycle of adolescent break, that will become apparent over time. However, you cannot address an issue with her if she is not communicating with you.
With regard to your son, maintain contact as is possible, but without reference to what is occurring. You cannot be put in the position of naysaying your ex, unless you get asked a direct question. When asked be honest, but without invective. Be there for him (as well as your daughter), but do not be the agent of chaos in either of their worlds.
The more they can see that you are behaving like an adult and that she is not, the better shot there is that the truth will surface over time. Maintaining that stance will remain, over time, excruciatingly difficult, particularly if she continues to behave like a moronic twat.
D.
Neester says:
The more they can see that you are behaving like an adult and that she is not, the better shot there is that the truth will surface over time.
Indeed, this course of action has served me pretty well over the past year. I strongly recommend it.
She also adds: Maintaining that stance will remain, over time, excruciatingly difficult, particularly if she continues to behave like a moronic twat.
And I’ll admit that yeah, that’s the sucky part. It’s super hard to stand by and allow yourself to be slandered. I know. Good luck.
This is great advice! I was going to post with support and suggestions but rougewench had summed it up beautifully.
Why? Who knows. Sadly, vengeful exes uses their kids as ammo.
It’s sick and wrong, but that’s people for you …